The other day while pulling down the laundry off the line I had one of those moments where I thought to myself, “how did I get here?” Not in a bad way, but in a way that makes me think back through all the decisions and steps that put us here, literally on the other side of the world from everything comfortable to us. I could be pulling my clothes out of a dryer in America instead of looking out over coconut and mango trees and our tin fence where my laundry line stretches out under the sun.
Sometimes my life feels funny here because I do everything that the American wife and mom does. My days are filled with taking care of kids, cooking meals, and trying to keep a house clean just like I would be doing in America (it just takes a lot longer without the dish washer and dryer and instant meal helps). If I am honest, I will say this has been a struggle for me. Feeling like I came here to do something more than what I would be doing in America, you know? I have to daily remind myself that one, I am a support to my husband as he has so many different responsibilities on his shoulders and does so many important things for the people here.
Two, that I am an incredibly important minister to my kids. It’s easy to let my desire for “more” cause me to neglect one of the most important things I have been entrusted with.
Three, that this is also a phase. Some day soon I will have a lot more time on my hands to do things outside of the home and I need to treasure these times right now.
As I read different parts of scripture, the phrase “poured out” has seemed to leap off the page at me. As Christ participates in his last meal with the disciples, he takes the bread and the cup and offers it to the 12, saying “this is my body, broken for you, this is my blood, poured out for you. DO THIS in remembrance of me”. I always looked at the “do this” as referring to the drinking and eating and of course that is true, but I believe He is also asking us to pour ourselves out in remembrance of Him. In remembrance of His sacrifice, to the point that our bodies feel like breaking, pour them out for others.
“Present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship” Romans 8
Many days I feel poured out, but am I doing it in remembrance of Him? When I am up for the third time at night comforting a child, am I doing that in remembrance of Him? When I am sweeping the floor and scraping dried food off of the highchair, am I being poured out in loving sacrifice to my family? Because it really doesn't matter where I am or what I am doing if my heart isn't in the right place.
Phil 2:17-18 “But even if I am being poured out like a drink offering on the sacrifice and service coming from your faith, I am glad and rejoice with all of you. So you too should be glad and rejoice with me.”
This paragraph from a blog in “my utmost for his highest” kinda smacked me in the face today:
“Are you willing to sacrifice yourself for the work of another believer—to pour out your life sacrificially for the ministry and faith of others? Or do you say, “I am not willing to be poured out right now, and I don’t want God to tell me how to serve Him. I want to choose the place of my own sacrifice. And I want to have certain people watching me and saying, ‘Well done.’ “
Wow! That is so easy to do! To take a background role that doesn't “feel” as important is a wound to my pride. It’s not the attitude I want to have toward the ministry God has called me to at this time of life.
Thank you God for your grace toward me in my fleshly failings!