Abby here, a few days from now will mark us being in this country for a whole year! It feels so strange to write that. In some ways it feels like we have been here forever and in other ways it feels like we just stepped off the plane. So much has changed – we can speak the language now (although there is still a long way to go!), we can make some sense of what is happening around us culturally, and we have a SON!
It’s funny how I go in waves of emotions while living here. Actually it’s not funny, sometimes it down right depressing… Some weeks I am so encouraged with progress in language and the relationships I have made here and the future looks bright. Other weeks will go by where even the thought of studying this language for another day just makes me want to curl up under the covers and never come out (except to eat martabak because it’s so delicious!).
During these frequent times I am realizing how fickle the human heart is. “The heart is more deceitful than all else and is desperately sick; who can understand it?” Jer 17:9.
This makes the common advice to “follow your heart” some of the worst you could give someone! How quickly my heart can change from feeling like a total moron for not understanding something someone just said in this language, or feeling guilty about spending “too much time” with Noah when I feel like I should have been able to study, to a few hours later having pride rise up in my heart because I went to visit a neighbor and could converse easily and understand all that was said. Every time this happens I am ashamed at how strong the flesh is in me. Not surprised, but ashamed all the same.
I am learning a lot about myself and have found that I am a very “follow the rules” type person. Not that I am a perfectionist (FAR from it!) but if I know things are expected of me I have major guilt issues if I don’t meet people’s expectations of me. This has been really evident since Noah was born. I know I am supposed to be getting a certain amount of hours in each week for language study and let’s be real – with a baby sometimes that just doesn’t happen! I have had to really work on my mind set here. I naturally like to be told what to do and know what my responsibilities are, so when I fail at meeting them, the guilt sets in. I guess this also means I am a people pleaser! Oh… what a long way I have to go. Good thing Jesus died for failures like me! So if you could pray for me as I work through all of this I would really appreciate it! In regard to me relationship with the Lord, I don’t think I have this guilt issue. I have always had a good understanding of His grace towards me and all my problems I just need to let HIS perspective be the only one that matters!